{"id":27979,"date":"2026-03-09T20:02:11","date_gmt":"2026-03-09T19:02:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/?p=27979"},"modified":"2026-03-09T20:02:11","modified_gmt":"2026-03-09T19:02:11","slug":"my-spiritual-journey-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/my-spiritual-journey-2\/","title":{"rendered":"My spiritual journey"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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I am five years old. I wake up from a dream. The question inside me: <\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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\n\t\t\"What is reality? Who tells me that this world is real? Maybe it's all just a dream?\"\t<\/h2>\n\t<\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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About five years later. As a ten-year-old girl feeling abandoned by her parents, I set off into the forest. That’s where my daily practice, of which I’m still a big fan, begins. Sitting between the trees, listening to the wind, letting myself be desired by nature – knowing: I am part of it all. <\/p>\n

As a 19-year-old, spending the last four years in boarding school, I only know one thing: Somewhere must be better than here. This “here” was my body, my thoughts, my feelings. It was also my family, from whom I was not seen and from whom I felt deeply wounded. Other children, in whose presence I was insecure, afraid, and bullied. Systems into which I could not force myself. <\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Even before I held my high school diploma in my hands, I went in search of the place “Somewhere.” Graduation parties, conventions, training courses didn’t matter to me. After all, as a 13-year-old, I had already taken on every job in order to be able to hike around Jamaica six years later. I searched and searched. In the Australian bush, underwater in the Great Barrier Reef, between tigers (one actually crossed my path in the jungle of Thailand) and elephants. On steamers in Laos – in 1996 there was hardly any infrastructure there – and between temples in Myanmar. <\/p>\n

Memory from Myanmar as a 21-year-old: I am sitting in a cave. Around me are Buddha statues that glow dark golden in the light of the oil lamps. The cave dweller, a Buddhist nun, invites me to stay. Her advice for me: to get a visa and spend a year with her in this cave, deeply penetrating Buddhism, the teaching of suffering and the end of suffering. I feel my whole body wanting it. I tremble. Deep inside I know: That, exactly that, is what I want! I lack the courage. A few days later, I leave. <\/p>\n

Obviously, life has other plans. On my own houseboat in Holland, I throw myself into it. Into life. And almost don’t come out again. Many people I had to deal with during this time are already dead. It was too much of this way of life, which can only be endured with numbing.
Working with the homeless and drug addicts during my social pedagogy studies fulfills me on the one hand, but is also unbearable on the other. Good thing I have the books on Buddhism. After two years, I go back to Asia. <\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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India. I sleep outside under the stars for a year, on a thin straw mat, in a crisis center for women and children. Here I support where I can. In the morning, the day begins at four o’clock with fetching water, collecting firewood, cooking food, and chanting. The director of the center, Saraswati Devi, hears my inner call and supports me in going to a lay monastery in Sri Lanka. <\/p>\n

Now nothing can stop me. I want to know. I want to know what substance I am made of, what carries me when everything else falls away, what pain really feels like, and how I can focus my attention so that it can be there but no longer overwhelms me. <\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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At the Nilambe Meditation Center, I am in an intensive student-teacher relationship. I get up every morning at four o’clock and meditate until ten o’clock in the evening. At some point, I also meditate in my sleep. It is wonderful. Here I spend a total of one year in silence. I only speak during the morning yoga session, which I teach (I had done a yoga training during my time in India). <\/p>\n

Nilambe. The place of my heart. Standing on top of the mountain, surrounded by wilderness, I see colors and three-dimensionality for the first time. I am here. I am home. <\/p>\n

Only to lose this place again and again. Within me. I didn’t know it wasn’t a linear path. I didn’t know that despair, inner struggle, fear, panic, and pain were part of it. I thought something was wrong with me. I would never make it. <\/p>\n

I am so infinitely grateful to my teacher Jaya Ashmore, whom I later met at a retreat in the monastery in Bodhgaya, the place of Buddha’s enlightenment. In the presence of her love and gentleness, I was allowed to be. Christopher Titmus and Martin Aylward also accompanied me there – still wonderful teachers of mine today. <\/p>\n

2004. I see my path very clearly before me. Shave my hair off, buy a nun’s robe. I want to walk the Noble Eightfold Path, follow the teachings of the Buddha. I know what to do. “I’m going to the monastery and becoming a nun.” I thought. <\/p>\n

At the end of the same year, my daughter Leela Karuna is born. Karuna means compassion. I need that. Especially for myself. The path is difficult. <\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\tIf it should be different, then it would be different.\t<\/h2>\n\t<\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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That is my mantra today. And it helps me through all life situations. I am at home. With three children. With a wonderful man. With changing cuddle partners and a best friend. Above all, at home in the certainty that I am part of everything that surrounds me. At home in the space of Infinite Consciousness. At home in the life that I can rely on 100% and that is as uncertain as nothing else. I can rely on that. <\/p>\n

And that doesn’t mean that I can’t be homeless again and again. Lose my way. Because that is exactly part of the path. Yes, it’s okay not to always see my way right away. I agree that it is difficult and hurts. That is exactly what these teachings and this Buddhist practice show me: dissatisfaction, confusion, and pain are inextricably linked to life. <\/p>\n

It only works with tightness! Just as the cocoon of a caterpillar becomes too tight, and then it embarks on the transformation. It only works with this tightness. Just like birth, like the breath, the pulse, the diaphragm. Expansion AND contraction. <\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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Without the many psychotherapeutic support and the training in Orgodynamik\u00ae and Somatic Experiencing\u00ae (and without my children) I might still be sitting on the cushion and having high oneness experiences. And dissociate in daily life in relationship with my neighbors. <\/p>\n

I don’t want to miss any experience. They are all part of my deepening maturation process. <\/p>\n

I am deeply grateful to be able to carry the wisdom teachings into life. To other people. <\/p>\n

The Buddhist teachings are diverse. Buddhism is a living tradition that we can use for ourselves in such a way that it is conducive to our awakening. <\/p>\n

An awakening to peace, more kindness and compassion on this earth.<\/p>\n

May all living beings everywhere live in safety and security.
May there be peace on this earth.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am five years old. I wake up from a dream. The question inside me: “What is reality? Who tells […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":27982,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[389,388,390],"class_list":["post-27979","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-buddhism","tag-mindfulness","tag-spirituality"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27979","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27979"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27979\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":27980,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27979\/revisions\/27980"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/27982"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}