{"id":27979,"date":"2026-11-08T19:37:00","date_gmt":"2026-11-08T18:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/?p=27979"},"modified":"2026-11-08T19:54:00","modified_gmt":"2026-11-08T18:54:00","slug":"longing-for-a-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/longing-for-a-person\/","title":{"rendered":"The Thirst of the Heart"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Our deepest longing brings us home.<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
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\"<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\tThe work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them.\t<\/h2>\n\t<\/div>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\t\t\u2013 Francis Weller \u2013<\/span>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
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Why do we actually set out on a spiritual path? Most of the time, if we\u2019re honest, to get something. A better version of ourselves. A more balanced mind. A more relaxed jaw. Or maybe even: self-acceptance.<\/p>\n

In Buddhism there are the \u201cTen Qualities that Open the Heart\u201d. One of them is renunciation<\/strong>. Doesn\u2019t sound very tempting at first, does it? And yet this is exactly part of the path. The spiritual path \u2013 at least the one I walk, which is guided by the Buddha\u2019s Noble Eightfold Path \u2013 asks us again and again for a No. A No to the loud, superficial calls of our instincts, impulses and habits. Not because they are bad, but because this No creates space. Space for deeper listening. For the quieter voices within us that are often drowned out and that actually know quite well what is good for us.<\/p>\n

This No is at the same time a Yes: to what is truly valuable and sets us free.<\/strong><\/p>\n

And what if the longing for intimacy, for closeness, for sexuality pulls at us so strongly that we believe our happiness depends on one particular person?<\/em><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tTanha \u2013 <\/span><\/span>the thirst<\/span><\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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The Buddha spoke again and again of Tanha<\/em>, thirst. This doesn\u2019t simply mean ordinary wanting, but an urgent grasping that whispers to us: If I get this, then everything will finally be fine. If I am seen. If I am loved. If I find the right relationship.<\/em><\/p>\n

There is nothing wrong with our needs. They are deeply human. At the same time, they can pull us into a kind of trance \u2013 into a searching that never really comes to rest. That is why mindfulness is, at its core, a practice of making space<\/strong>. Space for what feels tight. Space for sensations, thoughts and longings we would rather get rid of right away.<\/p>\n

What nourishes my happiness \u2013 and what leads me into unhappiness? Deep down we have long known that our wanting never brings lasting satisfaction. And still, letting go is so hard.<\/p>\n

Maybe you know phases like this: suddenly everything seems to depend on one particular circumstance changing. A person. A relationship. A decision. Something absolutely has to be different from the way it is!<\/p>\n

Of course there are real losses and changes in life, and we are allowed to grieve them. People leave, relationships change, bodies fall ill. And yet the Buddha taught something rather uncomfortable: even our subtlest dissatisfaction has to do with this inner thirst. It doesn\u2019t have to be dramatic at all. Often we simply go through life with this quiet background feeling: \u201cSomething here could be better. Different.\u201d<\/p>\n

I know this thirst from my own experience. And it is in times like these that the practice I am describing here has carried me.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tBeneath the longing lies <\/span><\/span>something deeper<\/span><\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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When we long for another person, we easily forget: it is never really about that person.<\/strong> Beneath our longings lies something much deeper.<\/p>\n

When we honestly feel inward, old experiences often surface: loneliness. The pain of never having truly been held. Of not having known that deep sense of safety and security a small child actually needs. Many of us learned very early on to regulate ourselves \u2013 and not necessarily in a healthy way.<\/p>\n

The experiences of our childhood don\u2019t simply disappear. The body carries them on. Later in life they resurface, often well disguised as longing for one particular person. And old attachment patterns are quickly activated too: the reflexive \u201cI have to take care of this\u201d \u2013 or the opposite, withdrawing as soon as it gets too intense.<\/p>\n

If we look more closely, it is often not only about closeness. It is about merging<\/strong>, about a form of oneness. We all know this experience \u2013 the original, raw connection in the womb. Whatever we have lived through, our cells carry the memory of oneness and wholeness. Perhaps this is exactly what we keep searching for later in life, projecting it onto other people.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tStaying where it <\/span><\/span>gets tight<\/span><\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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This is where a rather radical practice begins: really looking at what is happening inside us. When thoughts of this person arise and the body reaches out for connection, staying present \u2013 like someone who ties themselves to a rock so as not to be swept away by the current. And sometimes it also takes looking out into the distance instead of spinning further in the carousel of thoughts.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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Something surprising often shows up here: desire, this strong wanting, doesn\u2019t feel nearly as romantic in the body as it seems in our stories. More like tightness. Sometimes hot, sometimes restless. Honestly, pretty unpleasant.<\/p>\n

This path leads through the tightness \u2013 with everything included. So we stay. We bring the light of awareness exactly to the place we would rather not look at. With the breath. With exactly these body sensations.<\/p>\n

And sometimes very simple things give us support: snuggling into a blanket, a hot-water bottle, holding ourselves. Small gestures that help a nervous system find ground again.<\/strong><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tThe inner U-turn: <\/span><\/span>RAIN<\/span><\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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A practice that helps especially in such times is RAIN<\/strong>: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. Its decisive moment is a kind of inner U-turn.<\/p>\n

Usually our attention goes straight to the object of our longing \u2013 to the person we believe could fulfil us. In the practice, we turn around and face the feeling of longing itself. Ah, here is this wanting. It is allowed to be here. Where do I feel it in my body?<\/em> And at some point a new question arises: If I really got what I long for \u2013 how would that feel in my body?<\/em><\/p>\n

The answer is often surprisingly simple. Safety, perhaps. Warmth. Relief. Belonging. And then another movement begins: Can I already sense this quality now \u2013 without anything changing on the outside?<\/em> If we stay patient, sometimes exactly that appears. Very quietly. Maybe just as a breath of warmth in the chest or a small feeling of aliveness.<\/p>\n

In this way, longing can transform layer by layer. What first looked like an unconditional craving for one particular person turns out to be something far more fundamental.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"Palm\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t
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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tWhen someone <\/span><\/span>stays<\/span><\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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At some point the moment may come to bring what we have experienced into contact \u2013 no longer out of craving, but from inner clarity. To experience that a person simply stays \u2013 without drama, without withdrawing \u2013 while one\u2019s own system is moving through so much projection, longing and pain, can be deeply corrective for the nervous system. What a gift!<\/p>\n

Often the body responds as well, for example with a deep trembling that comes straight from the nervous system. In somatic work we know that a great deal of attachment stress and fear can be stored, especially in the area of the psoas. Trembling like this is a natural discharge of something that has been held for a very long time.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tFollowing longing <\/span><\/span>inward<\/span><\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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We don\u2019t have to get rid of our longing! I believe the key lies in uncoupling it from the person we project it onto, and staying with the sensation itself. Allowing it to be here. Really be here. How do we feel it in the body \u2013 in the chest, in the belly? And what is it like to also make room for the fulfilment that sometimes appears in our own body once we stop looking for it only on the outside?<\/p>\n

Longing and desire are not the problem. When we truly follow them \u2013 not outward, but inward \u2013 they lead us deeper, layer by layer. And at some point we discover: what we long for is already here.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Perhaps we can only long for love so deeply because this love is already within us. Otherwise we could not miss it so clearly.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tTry it: <\/span><\/span>RAIN<\/span><\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/h2>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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R \u2013 Recognize<\/strong>
What is here right now?<\/p>\n

A \u2013 Allow<\/strong>
Give everything space. Allow all the stories to be present.<\/p>\n

I \u2013 Investigate<\/strong>
The U-turn! How does it feel inside you? How do you perceive it? What do you sense in body, mind and heart? Which beliefs and patterns do you recognize?<\/p>\n

N \u2013 Nurture<\/strong>
Who are you when you make room for all of this \u2013 when you observe and feel into it? What is it like when what you long for is already fulfilled? How does that feel? Allow yourself to bathe in these sensations.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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If you\u2019d like to read on:<\/em> Longing for Connection<\/a> explores our deep need to belong. And if you\u2019d like to rest more deeply in this practice, the Deep Rest Meditation<\/a> offers you a quiet space for it.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What if our happiness seems to depend on one particular person? On Tanha, the thirst of the heart, old attachment wounds and the inner U-turn with RAIN \u2013 how longing can lead us home.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":27982,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[280],"tags":[389,400,388,390],"class_list":["post-27979","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","tag-buddhism","tag-longing","tag-mindfulness","tag-spirituality"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27979","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27979"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27979\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":30195,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27979\/revisions\/30195"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/27982"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/soulteachings.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}